


Monster

by Rowan203



Series: Wings Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 05:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1169035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowan203/pseuds/Rowan203
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is horrible. He is selfish. He knows this. He feels the guilt of it every day. Set in the Wings verse, in which Sam comes back from hell and everything is not okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> So ummm this was extremley hard to write. Sam's is messed up right now and writing from his pov is HARD. But I wanted you guys to get a glimpse into the way he works.
> 
> This is pretty bleak but there ARE goods day too. Honest.

Sam is horrible. He is selfish. He knows this. He feels the guilt of it every day.

Cas tells him, _no, no you're not, you are perfect, I love you, Dean loves you, you are beautiful_ and trails soft kisses down his collarbone, his wings holding him in a safe embrace,. But Sam sobs and says _no no I am selfish Dean should hate me why does he not hate me _in a flurry of hysterical Enochian.__

__****  
A hundred and eighty years is a long time. It makes Sam tired to think of it. It makes him hurt when Dean tells him stories, asks him questions, "Remember the Wendigo in Ashville? What a case..." and rambles happily, because no, no, Sam does not remember, he does not remember what town this is, he does not remember whether it was yesterday or a hundreds years ago that Lucifier peeled his skins off slowly, and sewed it into a pillow to suffocate him with, he does not remember the way his father's voice sounded. _ _

__He can see Dean looks at him longingly and sad sometimes when he thinks Sam is not looking, or that he is too trapped in this endless cycle of not remembering to care. He wonders whether it has to do with the dreams of his big brothers lips against his and their bodies entwined together in a way he isn't sure was real. He cannot think of the words in English to ask even if he wanted to._ _

___****_  
Sam is crazy and he knows this. He sees it in the way people look at him when he ventures out with Dean, because it is safer, he thinks, then being left alone with Lucifer and Michael while they claw at his eyeballs (Dean does not trust him, anyway, hasn't trusted him since the day he broke the mirror to carve sigils on his skin so that they could not find him anymore. Sam had fought as Dean cleaned the wounds carefully because he wanted them to scar. It was safer. His body is too whole now anyway. He didn't know why everyone was so upset, why when Cas came he shouted at Dean, _you stupid boy, why did you leave him_ , and held Sam and rocked him like _he_ was the hysterical one) He sees people look at him in pity and tut, _poor soul_ , they think, and _oh_ , if only they knew. Sometimes Sam does not have to look at them, anyway, because he closes his eyes and clings to his brother, because the world is too big and loud and endless, and not like a cage at all.  
****  
Sam does not eat. You can get away with these things when you are crazy. It's one of the few benefits, he supposes. He does not like meat because it reminds him of flesh and even the salad that Dean tries to force on him feels like the crunch of tiny bones or wet flesh stuck to the roof of his mouth. Sometimes Sam has bad days when Lucifer won't leave him alone and Dean will try and feed him soup or applesauce while he cries but even though Sam knows it is Dean and it is just fucking tomato soup, not congealed blood like he imagines, he still spits it out and groans, "Nidali!" _No._ No no no no no and makes Dean cry because he is so, so, selfish. 

__Instead, when Castiel comes he places his hands on his forehead and makes it so he doesn't have to suffer food like he used too, because Cas never, ever lets Sam hurt, not if he can help it, but even Sam notices that he can't wear his jeans without a belt anymore and he notices the look Cas gives Dean as his brother sighs and says "You've got to pick your battles, I guess."_ _

__Sam doesn't understand why he should be battling at all._ _

__****  
Sam does not speak English. The words get jumbled in his mind and Lucifer screams at him when he tries, _how dare you, listen at you, you are worthless_. Neither Dean nor Cas makes him, not at first. This is another benefit of people seeing him as something that might break at any moment._ _

__He does not mind that Dean speaks to him in a jumble of English, even though his brother is trying to learn Enochian. English sounds right coming from his brother, now his mind is slowly remembering the words he spoke before. It is just wrong for Sam._ _

__But he knows that his stubborn refusal to speak to him is hurting his brother. He does not understand why, because it's not like Sam speaks much anyway. He only speaks to Cas when he can feel the angel's grace pumping through him so he knows he's safe and he feels like he might shatter into a million pieces if he doesn't get rid of all the words that are trapped in his mind._ _

__Cas does not mind that Sam doesn't speak. Since they bought the new house, Cas and Sam have their own room, and Sam can say all he needs to by exploring Cas's body, by making it so they become one. He does not tell him that sometimes he has to close his eyes and pretend it is Lucifer holding him but he thinks Castiel knows. He does not tell him about the dreams of Dean's lips and the way their bodies moved in sync. But he probably knows that too. Cas is everything. Cas is the moon and the stars and the pieces holding Sam together._ _

__Castiel only speak to Sam in Enochian and that's the way he likes it. Cas is the sound of who Sam is now. Dean is the sound of who he once was. It's the only way he remembers who he is, that he is not in the cage any more, that this is now and not everything that came before. One day Cas is holding him as he sleepily drifts to sleep after they mapped out ever every inch of each other, as is normal now, and Cas says _"You know, Dean would love to speak with you, He misses you, sometimes. He is trying. Just like you are, but maybe we can do more."_ and then suddenly Cas voice switches, and the words come out in English and it sounds so entirely wrong. "See, it's not hard. It won't hurt you. You can do it."_ _

__Sam screams and screams and claws at himself until he draws blood and feels it trickle down his hands and this time it is Dean who storms in and screams, "What the fuck are you doing to him!" and Sam feels betrayed because Cas is supposed to be the one that never hurts him, even though he knows it's not his fault, not really. Cas soothes his hair back from his forehead once Sam has stopped to breathe and whispers "Veshai.", _I'm sorry_ , and they never mention it again._ _

__****  
Sam Winchester is a monster. He doesn't understand why no one else can see it. Maybe he feels it enough for them all._ _


End file.
